The Stoner's Guide to Surviving Family Gatherings
By John Swanepoel
If you’ve ever found yourself sitting around a braai with your entire family, freshly lit joint in hand, then you know one thing for sure: surviving family gatherings as a stoner is a whole sport on its own. And if you haven’t? Well, allow me to take you through my slightly burnt, all-too-relatable journey of navigating these social minefields — South African style.
The Invitation: “Bring Something to Share… But Not THAT”
Family gatherings in South Africa are legendary. Whether it’s Christmas, Easter, or an impromptu Sunday lunch, the extended clan comes together for a feast of boerewors, pap, chakalaka, and a whole lot of gossip. And, of course, someone inevitably asks, “Are you bringing something to share?” Now, as a stoner, your mind immediately thinks: “Yes, of course! I’ll bring my… um… special something.”
But here’s the catch. In a country where cannabis is still dancing around the edges of legality and social acceptance, you learn quickly to keep the “special something” discreet. So, instead of showing up with a fat bag of giggle twigs and a homemade pipe, you bring snacks, drinks, or maybe a biltong platter. You learn the art of subtlety faster than you can say “pass the Dutchie.”
Step One: The Arrival — Surveying the Terrain
Walking into a family gathering when you’re feeling nicely toasted is a bit like stepping into the wild. You size up the landscape: there’s Auntie Nellie, armed with questions sharper than a hunting spear; Uncle Themba, who thinks every story you tell is an opportunity to lecture; and Cousin Sipho, the unofficial head of the family, who may or may not have just spotted your red eyes.
Your first mission? Find the safe zones. This is usually the kitchen (because who doesn’t need to refill their glass?), the back garden (where the smokers tend to gather), or the bathroom (for a quick chill-out and mirror check).
You quickly learn that the living room sofa is prime real estate — perfect for blending in while nodding sagely at the unfolding family drama without contributing too much.
The Interrogation: “What Are You Smoking These Days?”
Every stoner knows this moment is inevitable. Somehow, the topic drifts from who’s dating whom to what kind of weed you’re smoking. Cue the Inquisition.
‘Are you still smoking that stuff? “What strain is that?” “Is it dagga or something else?”. “Isn’t that still illegal?” Your heart races. You have two options: launch into a detailed explanation of the medicinal benefits of cannabis and your personal wellness journey, or deploy the classic vague answer: “Ah, it’s… special, you know.”
Around here, dodging the question with humour works best. It’s usually say, “It’s homegrown, lekker stuff — grown with love, like Nana’s garden.” That usually gets a laugh or at least a raised eyebrow before the conversation changes to something less risky, like the price of maize or the latest soccer match.
Navigating the Braai Buffet
Ah, the munchies — the stoner’s constant companion and, honestly, the biggest challenge at family events. Though the smell of grilled boerewors, sosaties, and that smoky pap is tantalising, after a few tokes, suddenly, the buffet table looks like a gourmet feast from heaven.
Here’s where strategy kicks in. You want to enjoy the food but without turning into the family’s bottomless pit. My advice? Start with a plate full of small portions — a bit of everything — and then scout for the hidden gems, like the secret stash of homemade malva pudding or Auntie Dineo’s famous milk tart.
Always bring a little backup snack in your bag. Trust me, no one needs to see you raiding the chip bag five times in a row.
Balancing High Vibes and Family Dynamics
Family gatherings are never just about eating; they’re about navigating personalities — the boisterous uncle who tells the same story every year, the cousins who sneak off to play soccer, and the nosy aunt who’s somehow in every conversation.
Being a stoner adds a twist to this social dance. You’re feeling mellow, maybe a little philosophical, while everyone else might be amped up on chakalaka and shisha nyama. You want to join in but also avoid accidentally dropping a “woah, that’s deep” comment mid-argument that could fuel the fire.
The trick is to become the “chill moderator.” Nod, laugh at the right moments, and throw in a few stoner-approved observations like, “You know, if we just passed a joint, this would all be sorted.” It usually lightens the mood — sometimes to the surprise of even the most serious family members.
The Great Escape: Knowing When to Bounce
Every seasoned stoner at family gatherings has mastered the art of the timely exit. Maybe it’s after Auntie’s third round of “When are you getting a real job?” or Uncle’s political rant that goes on longer than the braai.
Don’t be shy to politely excuse yourself if you feel your vibe unravelling or the room closing in. Take a breather outside, check your phone, or find a quiet corner for a moment of zen. Sometimes a quick solo session in the garden (hello, discreet Bongani!) is all it takes to reset.
Remember, surviving the gathering isn’t just about making it through—it’s about making it out in one piece and maybe even with your sense of humour intact.
The Afterparty: Stoner Reflections and Wins
Once the family has dispersed, there’s something satisfying about reflecting on how you survived the chaos with your chill intact. You might have dodged tricky questions, navigated complex conversations, and still managed to enjoy good food and company.
Sometimes, you realise that family gatherings aren’t so bad after all. Between the drama and the teasing, there’s genuine love, shared history, and the kind of stories that stick with you. And maybe, just maybe, a few family members secretly envy your relaxed vibe — or wish they could join you for a smoke and a laugh.
A South African Stoner’s Survival Kit
If I were to put together a survival kit for cannabis users facing family gatherings in South Africa, here’s what it’d include:
- A stash of snacks (bonus points for biltong and koeksisters)
- Breath fresheners to tackle that classic cannabis smell
- A well-timed joke or two to break the ice or defuse tension
- A designated “chill zone” — your excuse for a quick timeout
- A thick skin for the unsolicited advice and cheeky remarks
- And, of course, your trusty Bongani — the family’s unofficial peacekeeper
The Family Gathering as a Stoner’s Rite of Passage
Family gatherings in South Africa are a unique cultural experience — full of warmth, noise, food, and yes, plenty of opinions. Adding cannabis into the mix doesn’t have to be a recipe for disaster. With some planning, humour, and maybe a few well-chosen puffs, you can navigate these events like a pro.
Remember, it’s all about connection, patience, and finding moments to laugh through it all — and who knows? You might even inspire a few reluctant cousins to embrace the good vibes, too.
Cheers to surviving the family braai, one joint at a time.